My Mother and Karma

Sometimes I take a bit of a hiatus from writing. I think about writing every day. Thinking and doing are two different tasks though. I had a good writing habit going a few months ago. And then I took a conscious break.

Maybe that was for good reason.

New Stage for Mom

During that break I lived off and on with my parents due to my mom’s advancing issues with dementia. And due to COVID-19 protocols we couldn’t get her moved to a higher level of care. So we resorted to my brothers and I living with them and rotating shifts each week to wait-out the move to another wing.

I’m learning how I always thought my mom would always be here. I thought I’d always have her guidance, her DIY nature, her caring warmth and her freakish ability to grow any plant no matter what. Dementia is an evil disease. It turns a kind, caring, knowledgeable person, my mother, into a somewhat devil of a person. She hallucinates and has delusions as part of her dementia. And these voices go on ALL.DAY.LONG. They hold power over her and turn her into a very negative person, full of intriguing stories….none of which are true.

I take the good times when I can get them with her. For instance, yesterday I had a visit with her and she laughed during a lot of our conversation, throwing in wisecracks of her own. We shared craft stories and discussed the layout for a crochet blanket. Normal mom. In less than 30 minutes, she began hallucinating. It was nice to see normal mom even if it was only for a little bit.

She is learning, unbeknownst to her possibly, to live a new chapter of her life. One where she is separated from my dad. One where she enters an entirely different world of hallucinations and delusions. A world that she doesn’t always understand. A reality she doesn’t always understand. Crafting and crocheting are no longer a part of her life.

Logic is a thing of the past. Logic doesn’t work in mom’s brain. When she says there is someone outside the window, but there are 5” of snow on the ground (ie. No footprints of anyone being out there), well, that simply doesn’t matter. There IS someone out there.

I am grateful for the long life I have had with my mom. I didn’t always do things or make decisions that made her happy or proud of me, but in her grace, she let me live my own life, sometimes paining her in the process. How reckless youth can be.

New Stage for My Kids

Now that I’m a mother and grandmother, I realize how unintentionally hurtful I probably was to my mother — mostly not visiting or checking in with her on a regular enough basis. For any mother or grandmother, can there ever be enough? Now, I’ve been introduced to Karma. My own children are venturing out on their own and checking in with their mother, is, well, just not first and foremost in their mind. Momma’s heart hurts for it and I realize what my own mother went through.

I tell myself that raising independent young adults is an indication of a successful parent. Children that don’t come back asking for money. Kids that work jobs. Kids that have dreams. Kids that are responsible, kind, and caring young adults. Kids that continue to surprise me with their willingness to help others and coming up with creative solutions to do so. Is that not success?

So I suppose it’s okay for my heart to hurt and to sacrifice that heart for a bigger good. Just try to convince my heart of that.

And it all comes full circle…..

It feels as though life has come full circle. Karma, right?

I’ve learned to readjust my life less around my kids now that they’re grown, and more around me. Not to sound selfish, they just don’t need me to wipe their snotty noses, or teach them how to tie their shoes. It’s showing up and being there for them in a different way. A way I’m not yet sure what it looks like. I’m kind of making this up as I go.

Transitioning

It’s a hard stage of life to be in. Saying goodbye mentally and emotionally to my mother, while simultaneously saying goodbye to my adult children as they move into their own lives. There is certainly a feeling of emptiness. But there is also a feeling of having been blessed —- with a mother who loved me and with kids who make me proud.  Is that really what needs to be the focus?  Instead of what I’m ‘losing’? I have had a lot of a pretty good thing.  And that version of a pretty good thing is transitioning, changing. And isn’t that what life is all about? Experiences. Learning. Being there for others.

I’m there for my mother, just in a different way. I no longer have her guidance or wisdom, but I have her occasional laugh, and her ooohs and aaaahs over my latest crochet blanket. I have her memory of long, long ago. And I have my name that still comes off her lips and in her voice. I’m reminded that I am my mother’s daughter. And that is a blessing.

I’m there for my boys, just in a different way. No more setting curfews. No more helping with homework.  It’s hearing their excitement about the areas of their lives that are truly working for them right now. It’s helping them through some of the learning experiences of a twenty-something living on their own.

Final Thoughts on My Mother and Karma

I can already tell this chapter of my life is different from the others. It is a chapter of transition. It is a chapter that I hope to look back on with a fondness, because so much of what happens in this chapter will be memorable. And it should be. To borrow a philosophy from a friend I met during cancer treatment: Do Today Well.

How do you look back on the parental figures in your life? And how does that impact you today? I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a note in the comments.

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Did you know I also have a series that features new projects I try out from other crafty designers? If you are interested in learning more about my New Project Spotlight series read my New Project Spotlight series welcome article.

I’m always looking for new projects to feature. What is a new project you’ve tried and liked? Would it be a good one to shine the light on in my New Project Spotlight series? Are you an awesome crochet artist with a design you’d like to see featured here? If so, leave me a note in the comments.

In addition to several of my crochet boards on Pinterest, you might also check out my Made It, Did It, Tried It board, chuck full of a random assortment of projects, places, recipes and more that I’ve tried and liked.